What’s a typical day for
you? Until recently, my life was pretty hectic. But now things are starting to
quieten down. My daily routine is now pretty stock standard - I get up, I go to
work and then I return home. One day at work, I was fortunate enough to meet an inspirational mum.
Meet Katrina van Dam, a
mum from New Zealand with two primary school-aged kids. With her husband
deployed to Afghanistan, she has learnt how to remain strong and optimistic.
She maintains her family home in Melbourne, whilst taking care of her two kids
and family dog, all while juggling a full-time demanding job as a primary
school teacher. Already exhausted?
Here is a snapshot of Katrina’s
ultra-hectic but admirable life.
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| Super mum - Katrina van Dam! |
Take us through a typical weekday in the life of
Katrina van Dam?
Normally my alarm goes
off at five in the morning. I get up straight away, have a shower and get
dressed then put make-up on. I then wake my two kids up at six o’clock and get
them dressed and organised for school. I make their lunches and we are out the
door at seven o’clock. I drive them to before school care and then head to work
so I’m there by eight in the morning. I print out my resources and ensure the
classroom is clean. I go and get coffee with two other teachers. School runs
from nine o’clock to three-thirty, so during this time, I’m with my students.
From three-thirty to five-thirty I’m still at school planning the next day or
I’ll be in meetings. I then jump in the car to pick my kids up from after
school care. I take them home (unless it’s an evening where they go to their
martial arts or swimming lessons). I ensure they’re fed and had their showers. Their
pyjamas then go on and they are in bed by eight o’clock. I then tidy up the
house and finish some admin work. I’m generally in bed by 10 o’clock or else I
won’t cope the next day. I’ll then watch some television until I fall asleep. …That’s
how I roll.
You possess two full-time jobs. Like many others, I
would really love to know how you get through each day. What’s that one thing
that keeps you going?
For me, I just take one
day at a time. I try to not get stressed out with too many things at once. If I
do find myself getting stressed out, I’ll ring my mum who is living in New
Zealand and normally I just vent to her for five to 10 minutes until and then
it’s sorted out. I have a calendar with everything written on it. I have to be
very organised so I know our routine and I try to keep this routine so that the
kids have enough rest and I get enough rest so that we can keep functioning. I
try to never take it all on at once. I don’t think about what’s going to happen
in six months time, I just focus on the week at hand. Sometimes I just aim to
get through lunchtime – or whenever that next milestone is. Sometimes I can
look at the months ahead and other days I just focus on getting through the week.
I try to take sometime out for family time and that means hanging out on the
coach and having some popcorn and movies. Just us being together is really
important. I just think in life what will be, will be. You can’t afford to
stress over it too much.
You have spoken about the importance of spending ‘time’
with your family. Do you get any time
for yourself?
I really don’t get any
time for myself. The only time I really get is when I drive 20 minutes to work
and back again after I drop the kids off at before school care. This time is
really for me. The music will go up really loud in my car. It’s really just
time for me. The only other time I spend on my own is once every three weeks
when I have my nails done. I just sit there, zone out and have my nails done. I
have a television in my bedroom. Most people say having a TV in your bedroom is
bad, but I do, as it’s how I zone out and watch I movie. I won’t even be
watching it, having it on just helps me switch off and relax so I can get
through the next day and carry on.
Despite your husband working overseas on an ongoing
basis, you still seem to be genuinely in-love with each other. Sadly, in this day
and age, there are a lot of couples going through relationship struggles. Despite you being
happily married, do you feel you have some understanding of what life might be
like for sole parents who run a house and family on their own? Drawing from
your own similar experiences, what advice could you offer them?
Firstly, I try to remain
really positive no matter the circumstance, even if it has been a horrible week
and everything is going wrong. You really have to try and find that one
positive thing that is going to turn it all around, even if it is something
little and stupid, it doesn’t matte. If have to reassure yourself that all will
be ok. The school buildings at the primary school I work at are a little run
down. And a teacher I know recently said the building might fall down. But my
response to them was we we’ll just get a new building. Even if I have a flat
tyre, I’ll just say to myself that at least I will miss all that traffic, as it
would have subsided once all is ok. Even if one of my kids are sick, I’ll just
think that at least I get a moment at home to relax with them or catch up on
the washing. You should aim to be optimism.
My mum always taught me
that manners cost you nothing. I teach my children and even my students this.
Everybody is fighting their own personal battles and have reasons why they have
those feelings, so you don’t need to contribute to that. At the end the only
person you can control is yourself. Let people be as they are and you be who
you are and be comfortable with who you are. Sometimes it can be a long journey
to find that person. We are always evolving. I look after my kids, my students
and my house. I care about other people, I’m not horrible to people. I’m a good
person. If I can’t do everything that I think I should be doing then I
shouldn’t be doing quite that much. It’s having realistic goals. I don’t have
the financial burden that some sole parents do, but regardless if I did or
didn’t, it’s important to take it as it comes and not worrying about it.
What are your husband’s employment responsibilities
in Afghanistan?
My husband works overseas
as a private security contractor. He’s not based with the military. He has been
gone for around four months. Normally he’s away for nine weeks and home for
four weeks, but it varies depending on what’s happening on the ground. Previous
to this he was in the army, so having him away is something that I have grown
to be used to. We’ve come along way as we used to correspond by writing letters
and I still have all of them. In 1999 he was one of the first deployed from the
New Zealand Defence Force to East Timor. So we would correspond by pen and
paper and now we catch up via Skype and emails. We normally talk to him three
or four times a week depending on what we are all doing, as it’s hard to
schedule an appropriate time due to time zone clashes. We just usually play it
by ear as things can change at any given time.
Back in 1999, your husband was deployed for the
first time overseas. How did this news affect you?
That first tour was a bit
of an eye opener. It was in August and I was at work and he rang me and he said
I’m coming from a course. We’re doing pre-deployment training as he was in the
army. When I found out, our whole wedding was already planned. So we were engaged
and our wedding was to be in December in 1999. After his training, he came home
and said I’m leaving the 21st of September to go to East Timor. At
this stage we didn’t know for how long for, what he was going into. At the
time, I hadn’t even heard of East Timor. So it was a shock.
The Wednesday after we
found out, he came out and said, “let’s get married on Saturday. Let’s do it.
Let’s get married before I go.” So we spent the next three days organising our
wedding. We decided to use my parent’s backyard.
I have such a wonderful
family – both my mum and dad. Although they aren’t together, they are
incredibly supportive of my two brothers and I. They will just pull together no
matter what. Regardless of how they felt about each other at that time, they put
their issues aside and were solely there for me. We just pulled together and
organised the wedding in a matter of days.
Two days after our
wedding, he left for East Timor. It was a very short honeymoon. He was only
allowed until 11 o’clock to celebrate and just relax, as he had to report back.
So, that’s all we got.
His first deployment was a
rough tour. My two best friend’s partners were also deployed at the time so we
all just pulled together. We learnt to become optimistic, even though the army
at the time didn’t give us enough information.
He was away for Christmas
and I found his absence difficult. He didn’t go away before we were married so
I wasn’t used to it. Thankfully he
returned after nine months.
We’ve been married for 13
years now, so we’re still tracking on. We have our ups and downs but everybody
does. You just work through it.
The times we have together
are even more special. Time away helps us remember the importance of family
time. It’s about quality not quantity. And that’s how we look at it. We now
plan in advance things to do with our two kids when he returns from overseas.
We have everything in Melbourne, lots of entertainment and sporting events.
They are the things that stick with you, as you grow older.
Your husband has been deployed to various parts of
the world on and off throughout the last 14 years. What would you say to other families and individuals
whose loved ones are deployed overseas? Based on your own life, what advice
could you give to them?
You have to soldier on,
literally. You have your good days and your bad days. If I’m having a bad day,
my kids will say to me, “Mummy, are you ok?” And I’ll just say to them “Mummy’s
not brave today but she will be brave tomorrow.” In these circumstances, I just
tell myself to let go and deal with whatever it is tomorrow. I’ll just curl up
on the coach and relax with my kids or go to the park.
The world will not end if
you can’t get everything done in one day. Even if it does, it does. You can’t
control it. I find having understanding teachers and good friends around the
kids helps them dealing with life whilst their dad’s away. Whenever the kids
are having a bad day, I’ll tell their teachers so they are fully aware. Booking
events and activities for children gives them something to look forward to.
Having an understanding
boss is really important too. It’s important that they are aware of your
circumstance and how you’re feeling so that they can support you when times get
tough. In essence, it’s important to have a strong support network.
What year did you come to Australia? What was it
like moving your entire family to a foreign country?
I came to Australia on
Boxing Day in 2009.
I had never lived in
another country before. So at the age of 30 I decided to move overseas, being
Australia. I was born and bred in a little town over in New Zealand, so this
was essentially a very big move.
We decided to move for a
change of lifestyle. To of our friends moved to Melbourne
so we decided to pick up our bags and do the same thing. So we only knew one
couple in Melbourne.
At the time, I had just
finished my university degree, so it was a full on experience in organising
everything and everyone for the big move. My husband left for Afghanistan just
before we moved to Melbourne so I organised the entire expedition.
In the end I can honestly
say that moving into the unknown has been the greatest adventure for all of us.
It’s been really good and I wouldn’t change it for the world.
We’re not leaving in a
hurry, as we’re about to build a new house for the kids. We love it here.
Where can you see yourselves heading in the next five
years, and perhaps even the long term, say in 10 years time?
I can’t see that far ahead
as I don’t plan that far in advance. But in five years, my daughter will be 14
years old. I really hope we’ll be settled. However, if things change, we’ll
change with it. We’ll just go with the flow. I live by the quote, “Beginnings are
usually scary and endings are usually sad, but what’s in the middle makes it
all worthwhile.” I just roll on with it. Beginning can be absolutely terrifying
and endings can be horrifically sad but it’s the middle that makes life so
interesting and so special.
Do you have an inspiration story to tell?
Email me: promenadewithme@hotmail.com
Best wishes,
Gianna Dalla-Vecchia
